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Adrienne : Just some thoughts...
Diary entry posted Tue 11:28am 18 June 2002

I know I should be grateful for all the ways this BL isn't worse than it is. And I am grateful. But gratitude is such a complicated thing. On the one hand, I find myself so very grateful for so many things in my life. On the other hand, I find myself tired of the challenges. Yes, I understand they are part of life and they will always be there. But it seems that there should be some limit to the obstacles in one's path. It seems that there should be a point in one's life where these 'obstacles' are fewer and farther between. Or that, at the very least, they feel that way. This BL is just the latest of these obstacles. It's certainly not the greatest. I've certainly lived through far worse. This is just the tip of the iceberg. And I'm tired. So very tired of this game. That's my understanding of life these days... a very elaborate and somewhat twisted game where most of the KEY rules are kept secret from us.

I believe we can manifest whatever we desire in our lives, but we often don't find out about this rule until it's so late in the game and we are so tired that it almost seems irrelevant. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, but that these reasons are completely concealed from us during whatever challenges we face. I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps knowing the outcome would alter the results. And in essence, it would taint the whole process. But scientists hypothesize things everyday. Then they try to prove the outcome. Does that taint their results?

I'm tired of this BL and I truly wish it would completely heal 'correctly' so I could return to my life as it was before the break. Granted, it wasn't a perfect life by any stretch of the imagination, but it was a good life that I worked very hard at keeping pleasant and copesetic. And it was a life I was pround of because I had already overcome so many damn obstacles that I don't really see why I needed this one.

gilda radner once said, "It's always something." I don't want to believe that. I want to believe that life is what we make it and obstacles just don't appear out of nowhere as tests for our soul. I believe it is possible to learn without having your universe thrown into utter chaos. But perhaps the tests for our soul are only accurate when we are at our limit and our patience is being tried and our resources are being tapped, and we are ready to just say to hell with it all. Maybe that's the only measure of anything at all in this universe. It sure seems that way sometimes, until I see someone whose life has been pure ease and grace and they've never had a problem worth noting and the universe seems to wrap itself around them and grant them the best of everything. Then again, those people are often never truly happy or grateful for anything, are they?

This BL has given me cause to pause. It's changed my life across the board so that my existence is now completely opposite of what it was. I am bored. I have too much free time. I miss my work and my workouts. I hardly ever see my friends or get out of the house. These things are all the complete opposite of how I lived my life before. But yet, at the essence, I am still the same person I always was, just maybe a little more frustrated. But I'm still grateful for what I have, and I still care in the same ways I did before. Only now I understand the plight of those with physical handicaps far better, so I suppose I am not completely the same person as I was before because I will remember this path, and how I felt as I travelled it, and I will have far more compassion for those who have travelled it a greater distance than I. I don't know that I truly understood any of this before, but I know I felt compassion. Or did I? Maybe we don't truly learn compassion until we have been down that road. Maybe we think we understand it and think we can imagine what it would be like, but our imagination never locks onto the key issues that would be faced.

Before my father died, I thought how awful it would be when he was gone. And I felt for those who had lost a parent. But until he was gone, I never understood all the ways I would miss him. Before I was sick, I thought how sad that must be for anyone who lives through it. But until I was truly sick myself, I never understood all the ways that it really hurts and all the mindgames that serious illness creates. Now I've got this broken leg, and when I look at someone with a walker or in a wheelchair, I can truly perceive what life is like for them. And I deeply wish that somehow their path would be made easier.

Maybe that's why this BL is mine for the taking. Maybe the lesson is simply to understand more than I did before. And if that's the case, I guess it's been worth it, because I grown so much in so little time. I guess than in itself might be viewed as a blessing.

Heal well and heal quickly,

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 Tue 11:28am 18 June 2002
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