Monday 31st October 2005
Whoo hoo!! Time travel baby!! The date on my last diary posting was dated near the end of September. So how come I've lost over 5 weeks of time between then and now?
Up til now, I've been retro-typing and recalling past events. Well I suppose all diaries by their very definition are retrospective documents - you can't write about what hasn't happened to you unless your name is Russell Grant or Mystic Meg (note to non-UK people: these are well known characters in the UK associated with astrology and horoscopes lol).
Ahem, moving on ....
So why the missing chunk of time? Well the simple answer is that I've not really done a great deal nor has a great deal happened to me in the past 5 odd weeks. In the very real sense of things, like a good convict, I've "kept my head down" and "done my time".
I was sent away from my last clinic with instructions to weight bear as much as I could tolerate with the assurance that any and all attempts to apply load to the damaged leg would accelerate the healing process. So over the past five weeks, I've been steadily increasing the load I can apply to the leg but I've certainly not stretched things too far, as I've been so scared of "overdoing it" and putting myself back to square one.
The added mental block that is firmly in place (following my accident getting out of a taxi and coming down full weight on the bad leg) was reinforced during week 3 of my prison term when I accidentally stepped into my kitchen (down 1 step) and put the bad leg first. I wobbled on my crutches and came down hard on it again. I got the same horrible pain in the leg, although not quite as bad as the previous time, and it shattered any silly hopes that I had that the leg was healing quickly and well - I had this thought in my head as I had been having NO pain at all with it. This little incident layed me up for the rest of the day as the leg was swollen and throbbing for a while after.
So the extent of my progress so far to date (up to today including), is that I can PWB 50/50 but with assistance from both crutches. When I look at the calendar, I see that as of tomorrow, it will have been 19 weeks since my accident / post op (on the leg at least) and this lack of progress frustrates me even more. I feel like I should be doing so much better than this, especially when I read about people walking without crutches after 6 weeks post op!!
Ok, so everyone is different. All injuries are different and there are so many factors that influence the healing process that it's foolish to compare your healing and progress to someone else's, but that's what we do, don't we? Isn't there a substantial line of thought that permeates through this site where we are all looking at other people's stories and desperately looking for a perfect match? It's almost like a dating agency for broken legs lol. Find your perfect partner LMAO. Well I'VE certainly done that - one of the first things I searched for on this site was "external fixator" as I wanted to see who else had gone through what I'd gone through.
But one thing I quickly learned was that every story is different, every accident is different, every injury is different etc etc. But mental attitude has got to help in the recovery process, right? If so, then I've been lacking in that department as I've spent a large amount of time feeling very sorry for myself and my predicament. It's so hard dealing with a situation out of your control and the helplessness is suffocating.
So at this point in time, I'm only four days away from seeing my OS yet again in clinic. The hopeful course of events is that I will have x-rays of my leg to (again, hopefully) reveal that the bone growth between the two fractured pieces is advancing well. If this looks good enough, the external fixator will be removed there and then in his office with the appropriate tools, after which the leg will be put into a walking cast (I think). I did ask my OS about having Darth so that I could at least take it off at night, but he didn't really seem keen on that, so I will just have to wait and see.
I have written down a list of questions that I will ask him, as unless I do, I'm bound to forget. The biggest questions of all are concerned with one simple issue: what if the x-rays are NOT good? What then? My OS seems keen to get the ex-fix off as he says that they can only stay in place for so long. The longer they're left on, the higher the risk of complications.
I've been very lucky so far in the respect that my ex-fix has held really well and (touch wood) I haven't had any infections or problems of any sort with it. So then, IF the x-rays are not good enough and he still wants the ex-fix off, what next? Plaster cast and NWB? Dunno. That's why that question is top of my hit list.
One of my biggest frustrations so far has been that for the past five months I've basically been a spectator on life and everything has passed me by. I've missed out on a holiday, so many social events and even simple things like going for a walk in the park. I've just been EXISTING. Waking, eating, doing PT (when I can be bothered, lately), and then sleeping again. What a life.
I've gotten so used to hopping around that this far down the line I've got to the point where I'm thinking, "Will I ever be 'normal' again"?. Will I ever walk again? Sounds so stupid, but I hope that there is at least one other person reading this that can relate to that irrational feeling.
So, I'll finish this long, long entry off now by summarising my day today:
Woke up, ate, done PT, sleep (well in a bit)
See what I mean?
I'm counting down to Friday now but my hopes are not pinned especially high. That way, I can't be too disappointed if the news is less than good.
4 days to go ...