Wednesday 2nd November 2005
Another late start to the day again following yet another late night. I got to sleep around 1.30am last night (morning? whatever!) and didn't get going til around 10.30 this morning.
Woke up feeling stiff as a board and it took about half an hour just to stretch my aching limbs (some better than others lol).
Too much time on your hands can make you write down all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff.
So I got myself going and hobbled / limped into the bathroom to freshen myself up. Yet another strip wash. I haven't had a bath or shower (haven't got one that works anyhow) in over 4 months due to the freaking external fixator on my leg.
I'm now getting really fed up with my situation. The skin on my legs is looking more and more like the skin on the bottom half of a skinned turkey (won't need to go shopping for a bird for Thanksgiving (that's if we celebrated it over here in the UK lol), as my legs will do!). No, I wash my legs every day with a flannel, soap and water but the skin always seems so dry even if I rub some moisturising cream into them. My whole body is just aching and crying out to be submerged in a bath. I really, really miss that more than anything.
So I shuffle out of the bathroom with significantly less stubble on my chin, with my armpits (and the rest of me lol) smelling reasonably fresh. Mum makes me a cup of coffee and some toast. Good start to the day.
Then the phone rings. I immediately think that it's my boss cos I was up til midnight working on my laptop doing some work for my boss - omg it's all gone wrong, or so I think.
Actually, no, it's my PT guy!! I haven't seen him or had any PT visits for 5 weeks now as he considered me at a point where he could show me no more. I had told him that I was going to see my OS in six weeks time and he thought that I'd already seen him. I told him "No I hadn't" so he said, "Ok then, I'll come round."
So my PT guy Matthew (really ace guy from South Africa) comes round to see me. At first he boosts my spirits as he gets me to do some exercises with my arm and shoulder which is mainly what he's been assisting me with. He assures me that the shoulder has improved very well and he thinks that my OS will be pleased with the progress. It certainly still feels a bit stiff and sore at times, and I have already accepted that I will be left with a permanent restricted range of movement in the shoulder e.g. I cannot move my left arm behind my back much beyond my hip, and I cannot extend the left arm much beyond 150 degrees when raising it up in the air (180 degrees is straight up in the air). There are also certain movements that I do where I can feel the screws in the IM nail driven into my humerus which makes me feel a bit sick at times, if I'm honest.
The leg is still not doing as well I would expect and my PT confirms my fears. He studies me "walking" - well, more like half-hopping and asks how long it's been since my accident. I tell him 19 weeks and one day and he says that I should be walking in a manner that more closely resembles walking and at this point my spirits crumble. I know that I've been suffering from "aversion therapy" syndrome and have been reluctant to push myself harder because of repeated bad pain episodes, so for the benefit of the PT guy and for myself, I push myself harder while he is there in an attempt to walk "properly".
It doesn't go well.
I feel like the ex-fix on my leg is being ripped out as I extend the range of movement in my ankle beyond the point where the pins are drilled in just above my ankle. The pain is excruciating. So I stop.
The sense of failure and frustration is overbearing but I save my tears until the PT has gone.
I feel so low.
I try and engage myself for the rest of the day by doing a bit more work for my boss but my heart isn't really in it. I watch tv without seeing it. I listen to music without actually hearing it.
What is my OS going to make of this?
2 days to go and I'm scared out of my wits now.