Thursday 3rd November 2005
This has by and large been a pretty uneventful day, much like most of the others so far in my long, long path towards recovery.
Does this path ever have an end? I don't know. Sometimes it feels like I'm a hamster on a wheel, turning and turning and turning but going nowhere. All the while you're on the wheel and running you feel like you're making progress, but the second you stop, you quickly realise that you haven't advanced one inch.
My progress feels like that a lot of the time. The pain in my ankle this morning reinforced that feeling as it hurt so bad. This is undoubtedly due to my botched attempt to "walk" yesterday afternoon in the circus performance that was my PT session. It takes me an hour to get the where-with-all and actually get up and going. I hobble to the bathroom and get freshened up for the day, except that when I look at the clock, I see that it is nearly midday! Omg where has the morning gone? My morning's seem to disappear recently, and this is probably a lot to do with the fact that I'm going to bed so late.
This is a difficult for me, because at "normal" bed time of between 10 and 11pm, I'm just simply not tired. I sit around all day and with the exception of the odd bit of PT, I do NOTHING that wears me out. So consequently I'm watching more late night telly than I really should. I need to get out of this habit because pretty soon I will have to start getting ready to go back to work!! I've been receiving full pay from my employer but my November pay packet marks the end of my extended free lunch - unless I'm back to work, my December pay packet will be half pay!! I simply can't afford that.
I am lucky in one respect that I have a wheelchair that I can use, I have a work colleague who can take me into work (in my OWN car lol - he's been using my car for the past four months as he has a big gas guzzler and I have a diesel oil burner which is loads more economical), and I work in an office as an IT professional. The added bonus is that my office block is totally wheelchair friendly with extra wide electric doors, a disabled toilet and no stairs at all. So going back to work in a wheelchair is not a big deal except for the fact that my leg will be down all day and the most I've managed to do with my leg down is about 3-4 hours after which time my foot was quite swollen and red.
Well my appointment with the OS is for 2.30pm tomorrow (4th November) and I am struggling to get any hopes raised about it at all. My failed attempts to walk have demonstrated to me that I am still a way off being completely healed and I really am not expecting the news tomorrow to be positive. I'm not being pessimistic, but I've been in the situation where I have raised my hopes too high and had them dashed to pieces before. If I don't expect too much, then I can't be disappointed, right? Well that's my theory. I have a list of questions that I need to ask my OS, but they are largely dependent on the outcome of my x-rays.
The intention (as far as my OS is concerned) is to x-ray the leg and IF the x-rays are satisfactory, then the ex-fix will come off there and then and my leg will go into a plaster cast.
So my questions are like this:-
- if I'm in a cast, how long will it be on for?
- if I'm in a cast, can I weight bear, and if so, how much and at what point in time?
- how can I negotiate stairs properly, other than on my bum?
- can I drive with a cast on?
- what if the x-rays are NOT good enough? what are the options? Internal hardware? Keeping the ex-fix on longer?
My OS is a great guy and is very bright and cheerful. He comes from South Africa and seems to have my measure well. His closing comment the last time I saw him was that my leg was healing "on schedule" and "according to plan". Originally, when I first saw him just after he operated on my shoulder back in July 05, he said that it would be 6-9 months before my leg and shoulder were completely healed. At first I couldn't believe it would take that long, but sitting here typing this diary after 5 months, I can see that timescale is pretty much spot on.
I'm not going to ponder on "What if's" any longer tonight as I will get all the answers tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow but I know it's gotta happen. As much as I say that I won't get my hopes up, the natural instinctive human in me has reserved a small piece of optimism that is begging to see the light of day and spread it's wings.
Let's hope it gets it's chance to fly.