Embonious 8:27am Feb 17 2019
I am sorry to hear you're going through a low point.
I agree with you 100%- when I think how I'm different I immediately focus on the nicer aspects without thinking about it, because it is tough to confront the less great consequences. I absolutely deal with the same fear factor you describe- going outside is tough for me as I live in a city, and so often I'd prefer to just stay in even if I crave a new environment- the idea of crutches, cars, and lots of people is really stressful. I also think about things I used to do without a though- hiking, climbing, slacklining, skiing- and I wonder if I'll reach a point where I'm not afraid of injury when doing anything more than walking on my own two feet.
I also often feel ungrateful or something whenever I hear others who had horrible crazt injuries where they were in the middle of nowhere or had to endure 12 hour long ambulance rides... and here's me who had to wait for a whopping 30 minutes before I was in urgent care. :)
Last week I took my first walk without crutches outside, for a grand total of two minutes, and by the return hobble I was feeling lots of pain and also serious vulnerability because I can't run or move quickly, and it feels scary to be injured and in public! I felt really down about it, and my boyfriend starting telling me how great it was that I managed that, but it's really hard at times to celebrate a victory like that when it's so much less than I am used to, having never had an injury on this scale in all my 29 years. Frankly, it often feels underwhelming, and especially when I'm worn down from an extra painful or swollen day. We often have expectations of being a "model patient" and it's not realistic. The guilt is unnecessary but still present.
And lastly just the lingering stress from being hit by the car intrudes on my sleep fairly often, and it seems to go through periods where I feel almost completely recovered and flair ups where I have dreams of being hit or panicky feelings throughout the night.
Anyway, I hope you are getting some sun (although I know you're in the UK...)! We've had springlike weather the past few days and I got some time in the sun yesterday.. it felt magical. Sending you well wishes for a good week! xo
14 Sept 2018- hit by car, compound open tib/fib fracture, ORIF surgery to insert IM nail + 5 screws
19 Sept 2018- released from hospital, no cast, NWB
22 Oct 2018- 30% PWB, started physio
04 Dec 2018- working towards 100% WB indoors