JG in Idaho 5:10pm Apr 18 2020
Iím thankful for finding this website as a resource, and hoping to receive some feedback from the community. My mental struggles with anxiety and stress and maybe even some depression came together a head today, but they arenít with my broken leg necessarily, but rather my significant other / caregiver.
Iím in my early 30s and my future fiancť and I moved in together in our first home on January 31st - I moved from Illinois (where I grew up) to Idaho (where she and her family have lived their entire lives). About a month later I broke my leg skiing - the tibial plateau and meniscus weíre essentially shattered into several pieces, with a spiral fracture below that, and another fracture in the tibia about 3Ē down. After 5 surgeries and 2 separate week long trips to the hospital Iíve been home now for 4 weeks, and have 2 big plates, 5 or 6 pins, and about 27 screws permanently attached to my bones.
Iím sure my physical struggle is the same as everyone elseís - exhausting to get around from just one room to another with my walker, 70% of my day is spent on the couch, Iíve watched every movie and tv show I can think of, and I struggle with learning how long this recovery will be. My leg experiences pain and discomfort still, but I am just learning that Iím in a lot of mental anguish. I donít ordinarily suffer from depression or anything of the like, and am in fact considered extremely mentally resilient by my friends and family (most likely thanks to a lot of good military training). So this is new to me.
My significant other does more than I could ever ask for as a caretaker, I love her deeper than I could have imagined before for what she has so selflessly done. But she is also my only point of stress and anxiety. I have virtually no control of my life, my house, food, shopping, going anywhere, etc. I hold tight and value the few things I do have control over. But otherwise she controls virtually my entire life and living environment. Iíve noticed that when we have differing opinions, her reaction is to either get angry/upset/annoyed or to just treat my opinion as wrong. It hasnít helped with the Covid virus either - to me the stay at home order is simple, makes sense, and is an easy sacrifice to be safe (believe me, more than ANYONE I would love to be over at a friends house, or hobbling into a restaurant for food and a change of scenery, but I believe in the importance of not doing that now). She on the other hand believed the science and orders behind ďstay at homeĒ is just my opinion, and she and her family donít believe in taking it seriously. So now not only do I lack control over my life, but she is free to do as she wants out in public and then bring that into the home that we share. Or her family has negative reactions to the idea that I with my broken leg and with the Covid stay at home guidance would chose to actually stay at home on a Sunday night rather than join all of them for a large family dinner.
So all of this is going on, my lack of control, my struggle with my inability to do things, and then all of the negative reactions I face by these people because of my circumstances. And when I try to bring it up to her she throws it in my face that she is the one working hard to get everything done and to take care of me and sacrificing her own time, and it becomes a destructive conversation. This is the source of my anxiety and stress. I feel trapped, and alone, and it seems that everyone else who lives around us out here is unable to understand what itís like to be in this position.
Iím a big tough resilient guy who loves life, but all I did today after we fought was lay in my bed afternoon and evening and want to cry. Does anyone have any insight into how to cope with mental challenges like this, or can anyone else at least tell me if Iím wrong or crazy for feeling the way that I do?