SMM 10:02pm Apr 25 2020
Sounds like you are getting better and better. Sorry to hear about the latest blow-up, though. So much of what you say sounds familiar. There's especially that issue of control, and a sense of losing control. That was a major concern for me. A lesson did eventually come, after my recovery from the first break. The control loss was temporary, as opposed to the permanent loss I had thought it would be. If only I could go back decades! At the time we were just married and my wife was my 'primary caregiver.' I thought of her almost as a nurse, when I might have realized she was my partner. With the second break, I accepted not being able to do what I wanted. That was almost 7 years ago, and also that time I explained to my wife how things were different...I did mention that I felt still indebted even from years ago, though this time I accepted I would be 'useless' for a period of time. I said it would be great if she were to go through what I did (I did not mean that she should break her leg), which would give me a certain satisfaction. Also, those emotions (rage in my case) did come up again, but this time I was better prepared.
I think ADD may also be contributing. I do not really know much about it, but if it causes a downward spiral, would positive acknowledgement of assistance and actively requesting assistance help? I'm just wondering if the case might be that your fiance interprets your natural desire to do things for yourself/for her as suggesting that she may not be doing enough?
I think family demands to attend events is going at least a little too far. There is injury, fatigue and mobility. Is there anyone in the family who can understand these basic issues? Sounds like no one has experienced having to recover from a broken leg or serious injury. I have actually gotten a few people to understand the difficulties by asking them to try to spend just a few days on crutches. And is a weekly 'compromise visit' possible? Maybe by attending a get-together by Skype?