21st August 2005.
Today was a really bad day. I have had the cam walker off for most of the weekend and today as well, and the pain was just unbearable. I felt like I could feel the actual break in my bones, if that makes sense? At lunch I cried at the table, with the poor worried kids looking on, God love them, but the harder I tried to stop, the harder I cried. I have been so grumpy with them and notice when I am tired or in pain, I snap and yell at them for any little reason at all.
When Greg got home after work, I hadn’t even finished the dishes or attempted to cook dinner, so he cooked dinner for us. I rested on the couch in terrible pain and didn’t eat dinner with the family. Greg then bathed and dressed the kids and did all the washing up and didn’t get to sit down until late. I went to bed early and watched TV with an ice pack on my leg, and decided to put the cam walker back on before going to sleep to see if that helped.
Greg bought me an office chair on wheels so that I can scoot around the house - what a difference it has made! I am finding it hard on the crutches due to the fractured big toe on my good foot, so I am not using them much.
22nd August 2005.
Another night of broken sleep. Very painful and restless night, although I think it helped with the cam walker on. The moment I got up out of bed my leg started aching. Vacuumed a part of the house, but spent most of the day on the couch with the kids (poor kids have never watched so much TV in their lives!) to rest my leg. Had a shower later in the night and so much skin is just falling off my foot it is disgusting! Did some exercising as much as I could bear.
23rd August 2005.
Slept okay last night. Leg is still very sore when I don’t have it elevated.
VERY frustrating and just makes me want to cry!!!
Greg has been wonderful, and as usual comes home from work, cooks dinner, baths the kids, puts them to bed, does the dishes, cleans up the house, and then sits down to rest at 8pm at the absolute earliest!!!!
26th August 2005.
Have thought I have been coming along well. Have been attempting all my physio exercises and think I am doing okay with them.
I haven’t thought about the actual accident until I had a nap with Paige (my 2 year old daughter) this afternoon. I couldn’t sleep – I kept going over and over in slow motion in my mind the image of the car coming towards me, and every time in my mind the car hit me, my heart would start pounding. I went through every little detail – the guy on the mobile calling an ambulance; the woman holding my hand and comforting me; the fire engines arriving; the trip in the back of the ambulance; cutting off my clothes in the emergency room; the day after waiting in the emergency department because they didn’t have any beds for me; them coming for me in the middle of the night from my new ward to whisk me off for my first operation; the endless x-rays and c-scans.
28th August 2005
Greg let me have a sleep in this morning, but I still woke terribly grumpy and completely frustrated at not been able to do anything with the kids or around the house. My leg has been throbbing all day, probably due to lack of rest I am giving it, but I just haven’t been able to sit still today – it makes me feel guilty not to be doing anything. Greg, of course, has been wonderful with doing a lot about the place, but he continually makes it known that he is doing so very much, so that I think I prefer to suffer in silence during the week when he is not here! It is the first time that I can actually say that I cannot wait for him to go to work tomorrow!
I have thought I have been in full control of my emotions of late, and that I have finally gotten over the “depressed” part of this – whatever THIS is. But I have been crying at the drop of a hat today and have been arguing with Greg all day long, and yelling at the kids. It is not fair that everyone else (especially the kids!) has to suffer along with me. I see the worried way Callum (my 4 year old son) looks at me when he sees tears in my eyes and it just breaks my heart! Paige tells me to go back to hospital, as I think she thinks this is where they will make me all better. God love the both of them!
Maybe I need counselling? Maybe time will just make me better emotionally?
30th August 2005.
There was a spring in my step (okay my scooting on my chair) this morning, as I had the cleaner coming! Probably exhausted myself a bit too much by tidying up too much this morning – changing sheets, organising the hand-me-down clothes of the kids, etc, but I wanted it done before Maria the cleaner arrives. She will be coming once a week for the next few weeks and I am so happy I will actually have a clean house after all this time!!!